


... And you can have this heart to break.

by Daughter_of_Scotland



Series: Dragon Age Universe [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: F/M, Heartbreak, Pining, Suffering, Warden Alistair, endgame Alistair/Warden, set during Awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 02:06:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7340308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daughter_of_Scotland/pseuds/Daughter_of_Scotland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lyna left for Vigil's Keep with a broken heart. Finding Anders was a blessing for her cause. Breaking his heart wasn't planned, but inevitable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	... And you can have this heart to break.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pretzel_logic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretzel_logic/gifts).



> I was told to indulge, and so I did. I loved writing this.  
> Fun fact: Lyna is the name I gave my very first Vampire: The Masquerade character back in 2006, so seeing her name here made me laugh.
> 
> Title from Billy Joel's "And so it goes": "But if my silence made you leave  
> Then that would be my worst mistake  
> So I will share this room with you  
> And you can have this heart to break"

Falling in love with Alistair had been the easiest thing in her life. 

The moment she met him, on that fateful day of battle, she had been lost in his eyes, his quick tongue, his sun-kissed hair. 

It didn't matter that he was a Shemlen - why should she care when she was meant to die, either by blight or by sword? 

His bumbling, his bravado that hid his insecurities, his innocence - they all condemned her, made her fall faster and deeper than she had ever thought possible. 

 

And the most amazing thing happened: he loved her back. 

No matter that she was a Dalish, that he was supposed to be a king, that she was crass and too sarcastic, always ready to spill blood for what she thought was right - even when he didn't think the same. 

 

He loved her and she loved him. They had a future planned together (as much as you can plan when you know you might die any day).

And then she betrayed him, betrayed their love, for a way to end the blight without running the risk of losing him to the arch demon. 

Morrigan asked it of her, but she was the one who told him to go to the witch’s bed, knew he would lose his son. 

 

He lost the warmth in his eyes, he didn't touch her anymore, didn't even talk to her. But he was alive. That had to be enough. 

 

So she left, her heart broken but her sword whole, to become commander of Vigil’s Keep. Not a position she ever desired, nor did she want to be so far away from her home. 

But it was still better than seeing him and feeling his anger every day. 

 

She became commander and lost herself in the fight against the Darkspawn once again. 

And then she met the Mage. 

  
  
  


"It's not what it looks like."   
  
Lyna looked at the carnage before her. Three Templars, all dead, blood and body parts all over the hall. The man clearly responsible for it had blood in his hair, over his face, soaking his robes.    
  
"So you didn't kill them?" Lyna asked with a raised eyebrow, subtly shifting so she was standing before Serah Mhairi who looked ready to gut the Mage.    
  
He looked around him, as if he hadn't noticed the corpses before.    
"Well, maybe it is what it looks like," he allowed. "But they wanted to kill me first."   
  
"Why?" Serah Mhairi snapped. "Because you're a maleficar?"   
  
He looked affronted. "I'm not!" He cried. "I just didn't want to go back to the Circle. They objected to it."   
  
"Can't imagine why," Lyna said dryly. "One might think they would like to get rid of a smartass like you."   
  
His eyes lit up and oh. Brown eyes, blond hair, sarcasm... This was bad.    
  
"Commander, we need to continue," Serah Mhairi urged. "The enemy is still strong."   
  
"That he is," Lyna agreed and looked at the Mage again. "You got a name?"   
  
"... Anders," he said, looking her up and down. "And you're the commander of the Keep?"   
  
"Lyna Mahariel. That, and also the one deciding your fate."   
  
He went rigid, his grip on his staff tightening. “Are you going to kill me then, Commander?”

 

Lyna considered his question for a moment. Serah Mhairi clearly expected her to do just that. But…

 

“No,” she said eventually. “Come with us. You're a good fighter, I need a Mage, and there's Darkspawn to kill.”

 

Anders’ mouth dropped open but he caught himself quickly. “A wonderful argument,” he said and stepped to her side. “Lead the way, Commander. And, may I say, blood looks very good on you,” he added with a wink. 

 

_ Maker,  _ she thought in horror _ , another one. _

This was going to be a long day. 

 

***

 

Anders and Oghren survived the entry to the Grey Wardens. Serah Mhairi didn’t. 

 

Lyna breathed in the night air deeply, gripping the balustrade of the balcony she was standing on. She had known from the beginning that the entry could lead to death, but seeing it happen was never easy.

 

She took a few more minutes to mourn Mhairi, then she resolutely turned away and went inside. She had two new Grey Wardens who were still sleeping, a newly cleaned out Keep, and Darkspawn to kill. 

 

She checked in on Oghren - even unconscious his breath smelled like spirit - and Anders. She looked down on the Mage, taking in his blond hair, the relaxed features… Her heart throbbed with the memory of Alistair, missing him so fiercely she could cry.

 

She fled to her bedroom, shutting the door to the world and to her memories.

 

***

 

They were on their way out of the city, Lyna, Anders, Nathaniel, and Oghren, to check out some disturbances on the roads, when a troop of soldiers came towards them. In their midst was Anora.

 

Lyna froze. She hadn’t seen the Queen since her coronation, had avoided her actively. And now she suddenly turned up here, at the Keep, Templars in tow? This couldn’t be good.

 

“My Queen,” she muttered and bowed. 

 

Anora nodded her head. “Commander,” she said stiffly, her disdain for Lyna visible in every line of her body.

 

Lyna had to keep a clear head during the following conversation, trying not to burst out with the pressing questions on her tongue. When Anora gave her blessing to Anders’ conscription (not that it was needed, but it sure helped), she breathed a sigh of relief.

 

“Thank you, your highness,” she said, relaxing a bit. “Please, stay at the Keep as long as you need. My companions and I have urgent matters to attend, but I’ll do my best to be back soon.”

 

“No need,” Anora declined. “We will leave by morning.” She turned away but then paused and, clearly reluctant, addressed Lyna again. “Are there… Any messages you’d like me to convey?”

 

Lyna gaped. Anora never liked her, right from the moment they first met. No wonder, especially after she had her father killed. For her to offer this… It was a big gesture.

 

“I… Am grateful for the offer, your highness,” Lyna answered slowly. “But… I don’t think any word from me would be welcomed.”

 

Anora rolled her eyes. “You’re both very stupid,” she stated plainly. “And love to suffer, apparently. I will tell him you’re well and think of him often.”

 

Lyna felt a rush of affection for the queen. “Yes, my lady,” she muttered and they shared a last nod before Lyna led her party out the gates. 

 

“Well, that was a surprise,” Oghren stated as they were a few minutes away. “Didn’t pick her for the type to do something nice for you.”

 

“Me neither,” Lyna replied. “Must have gotten her on a good day.”

 

“I feel like there's a story there,” Nathaniel said to Anders who nods. 

 

Lyna rolled her eyes. “Isn't there always? I might tell you one day. If we get a long enough break between killing.”

 

She pointed to the road ahead. “And on that note, up there is our first stop. Let's go.”

 

***

 

Lyna sighed as she sat down next to the fire. They'd spent the day moving from farm to farm, killing Darkspawn and saving too few people. She felt drained. And old. Older than she was, at least. 

 

“Hungry?” 

 

She looked at Anders who stirred something in the pot over the fire. “Famished,” she answered. “What are we having?”

 

He peered into the pot. “Something with meat? My apologies, I only took over from Nathaniel because he needed to relieve himself.”

 

Lyna shrugged. “Oh well. Food on the road is good no matter what's in it.”

 

“Speak for yourself,” Oghren grumbled as he sat down opposite her. “And while we're on the topic: I can't believe you let him live! Even conscripted him. He planned to kill you.”

 

Lyna took the bowl of unidentified stew Anders handed her. “Last time I recruited someone who wanted to kill me, he turned out to become one of my best friends,” she answered. 

 

Oghren stared at her. “The crow was  _ paid  _ to kill you and decided to save his own hide when he lost. That's hardly the same.”

 

She thought about that. “You've got a point,” she acknowledged and turned to Nathaniel who returned at that moment. “Would it make you feel less inclined to kill me if we offered you money to try and you failed after?”

 

“What?” He asked in confusion which only grew when Anders and Oghren started laughing. 

 

Lyna spent the rest of the evening smiling. 

 

***

 

They reached Amaranthine a few days later. The city was overrun with refugees and, going by the reports she got from Marshall Aiden, smugglers. 

 

Lyna’s brow furrowed. “I'll take care of it,” she promised. “Smuggling won't be tolerated. The people need to be able to feed themselves at reasonable prices.”

 

She saw Nathaniel nod in approval.  _ At least he cares for the people, other than his father, _ she thought. 

 

They started walking towards the supposed meeting point of the smugglers when she almost stumbled upon something. A kitten. 

 

Lyna stared at it for a second. The city was probably overrun with animals, abandoned, wild, or even kept ones. But this one…

 

She dared a glance at Anders. He was staring at the kitten, unblinkingly, the grip on his staff lax. 

 

Lyna sighed. He'd told her the story of the cat he'd had at the tower. Making a quick-second decision she grabbed the kitten and turned to him. 

 

“Here,” she said, holding the animal out. 

 

He focused on her face, confusion in his eyes. “What?”

 

“It's clearly abandoned,” she said, feeling a blush creeping into her cheeks as Oghren and Nathaniel snickered behind Ander’s back. “Take it.”

 

“But,” Anders protested, “I can't! It's too dangerous. And too much work. And -” 

 

She cut off his tirade by gripping the flap of his pack and dropping the kitten in. “You're keeping it,” she growled and walked away, her cheeks burning. 

 

A few seconds of silence followed, then she heard rustling and Anders starting to coo to the kitten, naming it Ser Pounce-A-Lot. 

 

_ Andraste give me strength,  _ Lyna thought as she fought a smile. Thankfully they found the smugglers soon after and she was able to concentrate on killing, instead of Anders being adorable with a kitten in his big hands. 

 

***

 

“Thank you, Commander.”

 

Lyna looked up from her book - she had taken to writing down the daily happenings in a notebook, just to make sure she could give proper reports if asked - and lifted an eyebrow at Anders. “For what?”

 

He shrugged, shuffling his feet a bit. “For the kitten. For… for remembering my story.”

 

Lyna blinked and closed the book. She sat up a bit straighter - a bed always felt weird after a few nights on the road - and looked at him earnestly. “You’re a Grey Warden now,” she started, “my companion. Maybe, in time, we will become friends, even. If I didn’t remember what you told me of your time before we met, I’d be a poor leader, and an even worse friend. Wouldn’t you agree?”

 

He stared at her for a second and she watched a blush creeping into his face. “I… I think you’re right, Commander,” he said finally. “I… Friends?”

 

She smiled and it felt softer than it had in ages. “Of course. And don’t you think it’s time to call me by my name, too?”

 

He swallowed, opened his mouth, and closed it again. “Lyna,” he breathed softly.

 

A shiver ran over her body. Hearing her name said like this, in this tone… That hadn’t happened since… She mentally shook herself out of the memory. Alistair was gone. He had turned his back on her. She needed to remember that.

 

“Anders,” she replied instead, trying to keep her voice from wobbling. Maker, he was burrowing himself under her skin, and fast.

 

They stared at each other for a moment before he coughed. “Good night, Co - Lyna.”

 

“Good night,” she said as he turned and left, closing the door behind himself. She let herself fall on her back and sighed. This was going to end badly, she just knew it…

 

***

 

Lyna stretched after they delivered the last of the poison to their owner. “I wonder why I always end up doing random stuff for people,” she grumbled. “Wherever I go, I feel like people hone in on me like a beacon.”

 

“Well, you’re not easily overlooked,” Oghren pointed out. 

 

Lyna rolled her eyes. “I’m tiny!”

 

Nathaniel laughed. “Yes. But you’re a Dalish in Warden armor, followed around by a brutish dwarf and two very handsome men.”

 

“Oi!” Oghren protested, while Anders snickered.

 

“Seriously though,” Nathaniel continued with a grin. “You also carry yourself in a certain, very trustworthy way. Everyone who sees you knows you are reliable.”

 

“Plus, you’re beautiful,” Anders added offhandedly, making Lyna’s reply of  _ Me, reliable?  _ stuck in her throat.

 

“Oh,” she managed after a moment and desperately turned around, hiding her burning cheeks. “Well then… Uhm. Where do we need to go next?”

 

She strode off, ignoring the way Oghren congratulated Anders on turning her speechless and Nathaniel teasing Anders in a voice too low for her to hear. She really needed to kill something, and fast.

 

Thankfully, she had some options. There was a conspiracy mounting against her - nothing that should be too hard to deal with. And there were Blood Mages to dispose off. She had already talked to Anders about it and he reluctantly agreed that this needed to be done. She was glad; she didn’t want to get on his bad side.

 

“Speak of the devil,” she muttered as she saw the first of her prey. “Let’s go, boys,” she said over her shoulder and ran off to confront the Mage. She knew they would follow her.

 

***

 

“Where do we go next?”

 

They were at the tavern, looking at the map. Lyna had stuck pins in the various location they could go to. 

 

“Which would be the logical decision?” Oghren asked. “The shortest way?”

 

“None,” Nathaniel answered bluntly. “All the ways take us back to the Keep, as well as here.”

 

“Should we split up?” Anders suggested. 

 

“No,” Lyna refused immediately. “We're stronger together. We need to go as a group.”

 

She looked at the map, frowning. “I would like to take care of the conspirators first. They could make a lot of trouble left alone. And then we should go to the woods. We might find a merchant or two there, or material for the Keep.”

 

The others agreed after a while and Nathaniel and Oghren left while Lyna rolled up the map.

 

“Something I can help you with, Anders?” she asked, not looking at him, while she packed up her things.

 

“Actually,” he said and she heard the door close and the lock click. The hairs on her neck went up immediately and she tensed as he stepped closer to her. “I wondered if I could help you.”

 

She didn’t turn around but readied her stance a bit. If he wanted to fight her, she would… “Help me with what?” she asked, trying not to think of the fact that she didn’t know what she would do if he attacked her.

 

“Your loneliness.”

 

His words surprised her so much she spun around. He was closer than she’d anticipated, just a step away. Her face came level with his breast and she had to crane her neck a bit to look up at him. His face was serious, his eyes intent on her face.

 

“What are you talking about?” she asked and it came out as a whisper. She shuddered as he lifted his hand and stroked her cheek.

 

“You’re always so strong,” he replied in a soft voice, softer than she’d ever heard from him. “But you’re lonely. You’re hurting. I want to make you feel better.”

 

She swallowed. “I… You don’t know…”

 

“I know enough,” he interrupted her. “Your heart was broken. You’re ready to die - not actively, but you don’t think you have anything to live for, either. Let me be that something.”

 

Her throat felt dry. She didn’t move as he bridged that last step, crowding into her personal space, his other hand sneaking around her waist. She could feel his body heat through her pants and shirt, her armour already discarded for the night.

 

“I don’t…” She stopped. Thoughts of Alistair flashed through her. She didn’t want to betray him.  _ But he betrayed you first _ , a dark voice whispered in her mind.  _ You saved his life and he left you for it. You have no reason to stay faithful now. _ The voice was right, but it still didn’t feel fine.

 

“Let me make you feel again,” Anders whispered, oblivious to her thoughts, his mouth a breath away from hers.

 

Lyna’s mind went blank. “Yes,” she whispered and their mouths met, softly, trying to find the right angle.

 

Soon their kiss became more frantic, deeper. He dropped both his hands to her ass, lifting her up easily. She wrapped her legs around his body, cradling his face, as they kissed and kissed, barely breathing.

 

Without knowing how they got there, she found herself on her back on the bed, him above her. It was like flashes in her mind, one minute they were dressed, the next they were both naked. One minute they were kissing, the next he was sucking on her breasts, his fingers moving inside of her, making her cry out in pleasure. One minute she was stroking his member to full hardness, the next he was pushing inside of her; the second man to ever do so. 

 

She shattered and he put her back together, in a different order than before, the pieces not fitting together perfectly, but still making her feel more whole than she had in a long time. She closed her eyes and all she saw was blue eyes, shining like Lyrium.

  
  


When it was over he cuddled up to her, pulling her back to his chest. One of his hand fondled her breasts, keeping her nipples erect, and holding her in a low state of arousal. 

 

“I can’t love you,” she whispered in the silence. To his credit, he didn’t froze, never even stilled in his movements.

 

“I know,” he replied. “Maybe one day you will.”

 

She doubted it, but didn’t say so.  _ Maybe one day _ , she thought, hoping he was right. She wanted to be happy, after all.

 

For now, she closed her eyes, sleeping soundly in his arms. And if she woke in the night and confused his arms with different ones, whispered a wrong name into the darkness, he would never know.

 

***

 

The next few weeks were busy. The went to the Wending Wood where they met and eventually recruited Velanna. 

They destroyed the conspiracy, brought new merchants to the Keep, helped reinforce the walls, cleared out the pathways to the Deep Roads. (“I  _ hate  _ the Deep Roads!” “Yes, I know, I remember you complaining about it for  _ days _ every time we had to go down.” “Shut up, whoever build them was evil and you know it!” “That was one of my ancestors!”)

They met and recruited Sigurn at Knotwood Hills.

 

And they met the Architect.

 

Lyna sat in the front of their fire at camp that night. She refused to eat, nor did she talk to anyone. The others were worried, until Oghren explained to them that this was just the way she was: Sometimes she grew quiet and needed to think, especially when her worldview was challenged. And the Architect certainly fell in that category.

 

She could hear him telling them stories about their fights during the blight. How she had sacrificed so much, how she had tried her best to save everyone - just to lose everything she held dear. How it had destroyed something in her

 

A few hours later Anders sat down next to her, dropping a bowl of stew between them. Lyna reached for it after a few minutes.

 

“So,” he finally said. “The King?”

 

She jerked. “He’s not the king,” she answered automatically. “He was supposed to… But we refused. Anora became Queen instead.”

 

“Ah,” he replied and she realised he had tricked her. 

 

She chuckled darkly. “Good work, making me talk,” she said bitterly. “Proud of yourself?”

 

“A bit,” he answered unashamedly. “Oghren said you wouldn’t talk the whole night sometimes, when you got like this.” A pause. “But  _ he _ could always snap you out of it.”

 

She didn’t need to ask who he meant. “Alistair was - is - special,” she replied simply.

 

“He has your heart,” he said. It was not a question.

 

She thought about this. For the first time in a long while she actually thought about her feelings for Alistair.

 

“Yes,” she finally said, devastation in her voice. “He still has.”

 

Anders was silent for a long time. “Well,” he finally said. “You did tell me I can’t have your heart.”

 

She turned to him, tears in her eyes. He was staring into the fire. “Anders…”

 

“It’s fine,” he interrupted her, rubbing a hand over his face. “It’s fine. Let’s go to bed?”

 

She shouldn’t. She really shouldn't’t. But she still got up, took his hand, and followed him into his tent.

 

_ Just one more time _ , she promised herself.  _ Let me forget Alistair just one more time.  _

She knew it was a lie even as she thought it.

 

***

 

Kristoff was dead. He was dead and she was back behind the Veil. 

For a moment, after all the Darkspawn was dead, she just stood there, shaking. She couldn’t hear over the rushing in her ears. She  _ loathed  _ the Fade, and the fact that she was now trapped in it - even worse than when she was in the Mage Tower  _ Don’t think about it, don’t! -  _ made her break out in cold sweat and turned her vision blurry.

 

“Lyna? Lyna!” 

 

It took Anders shaking her to snap her out of it. She startled and stared into his concerned eyes. Then she looked around, at Nathaniel and Oghren, who both looked at her with worried frowns.

 

“I’m… sorry. I’m fine,” she rasped, clearing her throat.

 

“You’re not,” Oghren said brusquely. “It’s alright, lass. You and the Fade don’t get along.”

 

She took a shuddering breath. “No, we don’t,” she said with a bitter laugh. “But it’s… I’m going to be okay. We have to find a way out of here.”

 

Thankfully, that turned out not too hard. And she was able to kill demons on the way, always a plus and a sure way to bring her focus back.

 

When they were almost at the town’s gate, Anders walked closer to her. “What is your problem with the Fade?” he asked in a low voice, not attracting Nathaniel and Oghren who walked in front.

 

She shrugged. “I had some bad experiences,” she answered. “We were trapped in it. I almost lost…” She stopped and swallowed. “Everyone. It was at the Tower, you probably heard the story.”

 

He nodded. “I was at the Tower, actually,” he said. “But I fled before you came… Which was probably for the best. I might have died before meeting you otherwise.”

 

She looked at him, at the fondness, the… love? in his eyes. “Anders,” she started thickly but he waved her off.

 

“Not now,” he said. “We need to get out of here.”

 

She nodded and followed him to the town center where they met Justice.

 

For some reason, Lyna felt it as soon as she locked eyes with the ghost. Everything would change now.

 

***

 

“Stupid witches,” Oghren grumbled. “And here I thought Morrigan was bad.”

 

Lyna laughed bitterly and ignored the stab to her heart at the name. “ _ Morrigan  _ was a bitch. This one was just plain evil.” She kicked the body of the dead Baroness in front of her. And the body of the First, for good measure. “Also, I never want to go into a single crypt, ever again.”

 

“Agreed,” Nathaniel grumbled, cleaning his bow (the family heirloom Lyna had found and gotten repaired. She almost expected him to faint when she gifted it to him. Or cry. Thankfully, he did neither). “Useful stuff in there, but I really don’t want to go back down.”

 

Kristoff - well,  _ Justice  _ \- looked at them in disbelief. “This is what you focus on after a battle?”

 

“What would you like us to focus on?” Anders asked. “The state of our robes? I’m splattered in Darkspawn!”

 

“Well, you can get out of them as soon as we are out of here and make camp,” Lyna answered, putting away her sword. She had come to love it more than her usual two daggers. It had also been a present from Alistair, reinforced with Wynne’s magic, making it even more precious to her.

 

“I hope that’s soon,” he grumbled.

  
  


Lyna wondered if he had jinxed them with his words. The big ass dragon seemed to fit the definition of a jinx alright.

 

“Great. Now I have  _ dragon  _ all over my robes!” 

 

“It’s a spirit dragon, nothing landed on you! Stop being such a whiny magician.”

 

“Bite me, Howe!”

 

“I thought that was the Commander’s job?”

 

“ _ Oghren _ !”

 

“... I came back to a group of mad men…”

 

***

 

Amaranthine was overrun.

 

Lyna had arrived at the city with Anders, Sigurn, and Justice in tow, leaving the others behind at the Keep. She hoped she had made the right decision, but she trusted their experience and powers.

 

“Serah,” Marshall Aiden cried as he saw her. “We can’t hold the city!” 

 

Lyna listened to his explanations, paling at the thought of all the people still inside the walls… 

 

“You want me to  _ burn the city to the ground?!” _ she cried in disbelief.  _ Nathaniel would never forgive me _ , was her first thought, followed by the second:  _ I would never forgive myself. _

 

She looked at the Architect’s messenger. “Come with me,” she said coldly. “Help me rescue the people.”

 

“There is no time!” he protested. “The mother -”

 

“Will be there when we’re done here,” she interrupted him with a snarl. “You either help me, or you die. Your choice!”

 

He glared but followed her into the city. 

  
  


It was a massacre. So many dead… But they also managed to save a lot of people. And they closed the way into the city, killing the Darkspawn in it. The city was won, and they were all alive.

 

When they left, Anders, despite her protests, swept her into a fierce hug. “Never do that again,” he growled. “I saw you charging that Hurlock alone - don’t you dare doing that again!”

 

She wondered what he would say if she told him how she had charged the Archdemon on her own, Alistair and the others being held back by enemies… She stopped that thought and gave herself a few seconds to return his embrace.

 

“Let’s go,” she said after, her face a blank mask. “Let’s kill the Mother.”

 

***

 

“It’s not just that I find Broodmothers disgusting,” Lyna explained on their way down. “It’s the Children, too. I mean,  _ how?  _ And  _ why? _ ”

 

Anders snorted. “You’re very eloquent, Commander,” he teased her, but there was a faint edge to his voice. He was looking around, checking every nook and cranny.

 

She made a face. “I mean that in complete seriousness,” she replied, but concentrated back on her way.

 

Justice was quiet, as was Sigurn.  _ Both of them need better humor _ , Lyna decided. Of course, the situation wasn’t exactly poised for humor.

  
  


They met the Architect and, despite her better judgement, Lyna decided to accept his help against the Broodmother. Justice almost attacked her in rage over this decision, but she managed to calm him down.

 

“If you want to leave, fine,” she screamed at him. “But do it  _ after  _ we defeat that monster!”

 

He wasn’t happy, but he saw the truth in her words. Better than nothing. 

 

And no minute too late, as they entered the Mother’s cave just after.

  
  


“Fucking tentacles,” Lyna muttered under her breath as she evaded said appendages. She left them to Anders and Sigurn, while she and Justice attacked the Mother herself. 

 

It wasn’t Lyna’s hardest fight, she noted, but it was up there. And clearly the hardest in a while. At some point she caught herself crying out for a companion who wasn’t there, who would have been on her right, and anticipated a move - instead, she got caught across the ribs by a tentacle and flew through the air, crashing against the wall. Something in her broke, she felt it, but still she got up and charged the beast again.

 

It took forever, and no time at all. Blood rushing through her, adrenaline pumping in her veins, the screams of dying Children and the roar of flames behind her, Anders’ voice as he spoke spell after spell, Sigurn chanting to herself as she slashed Darkspawn to ribbons, Justice war cries as he hacked at the Mother - it all morphed together to a single sound, like a bell, that accompanied her as she jumped as high into the air as she could. 

 

Her sword had fallen out of her hand as she crashed against the wall, but there was her dagger, the one she had brought with her from Denerim, the one that had finally delivered the killing blow to the Archdemon. Once again it became the weapon to kill a monster.

 

She felt her leg give out as she landed, her dagger in her hand, a gash running from the Mother’s forehead to her chin, splitting her head in half. Lyna held herself up by willpower alone as she listened to the scream of a dying monster.

 

She turned away and started walking even before the Mother collapsed. She already knew she had won and she just wanted to get out. It was over. She wanted to go home.

 

***

 

“I can walk on my own,” Lyna protested as the Keep’s walls came into view.  _ Thank Andraste it’s still here _ , raced through her head.  _ The walls held. Let’s just hope everyone survived. _

 

“You just don’t want to be seen in my arms,” Anders joked. “It could ruin your reputation.”

 

“Fuck my reputation,” she muttered. “I just want to walk into  _ my  _ Keep on my own two feet.”

 

He rolled his eyes but let her down. He immediately had to steady her as her leg threatened to give out again.

 

“We’ll get a Healer to look at that first thing,” he promised her.

 

She rolled her eyes. “If you knew healing magic, it would already be taken care of,” she pointed out. “But I’m sure Velanna will gladly make sure I won’t limp for the rest of my life.”

 

“Don’t even joke about that,” he hissed and she opened her mouth to retort when -

 

“Uh, Commander?”

 

She turned to look at Sigurn who pointed to something behind her, in the direction of the Keep.

 

She turned again and for a moment she thought her mind was playing tricks on her. Maybe she was still in the Mother’s cave. Maybe she was dead, her skull split open. How else could she be seeing what she was seeing?

 

Alistair came running towards her, in full Warden armor, his face twisted in a mixture of horror and elation.

 

_ His hair is longer _ was the only thought she had time for before he reached them, sweeping her into his arms, ignoring the blood and gore on her. 

 

“You’re alive,” he said frantically. “Oh Maker, you’re alive.” 

 

He pushed her a bit away to look into her face, his eyes sweeping over her. “When we arrived and you weren’t here… And the others told me you had gone to fight the Broodmother… Andraste, I thought I lost you before I could tell you…”

 

He broke off and his hand on her cheek, caressing her, was what finally broke her out of her stupor. 

 

“You… You’re here,” she whispered. “How…  _ Why? _ ”

 

He smiled - that sweet smile she had missed more than anything, and she felt something inside of her bloom to life, just at being the recipient of it again. 

 

“I was an idiot,” he told her. “I mean, a bigger one than usual. It took me way too long to admit it, but by the Maker - I missed you so much, my treasure. I made a terrible mistake in letting you leave, in not stopping you, in not going with you. I should have been by your side, just like you have been by mine through everything.”

 

Tears welled up in her eyes. “You mean it?” she asked. “Truly?”

 

“Forever, my heart,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. “I’m here and I will never leave again.”

 

When he kissed her, it felt like her world was tilting on its axis. Returning to the way it was supposed to. The Broodmother was dead, the Keep was standing, as was Amaranthine, and her companions were surely alright. And Alistair was back with her. Everything was right in the world again.

 

***

 

Lyna knocked on Anders’ door the next day. They’d had a big feast the night before and she hadn’t had the time to talk to him - and, truthfully, she hadn’t thought of it for a long time, either. 

 

He opened a few minutes later and they stared at each other for a moment before he sighed and let her in.

 

She stood in the middle of the room while he sat on his favorite chair by the window.

 

“I need to apologize,” she said without preamble. Yes, this wasn’t easy, but she wasn’t a coward. And he was her friend. He deserved her courage and honesty.

 

“Nothing to apologize for,” he muttered, “He’s back. You love him, he loves you. Happy end.”

 

She shook her head sadly. “Oh, Anders,” she muttered. “I truly  _ am  _ sorry. I should have been more considerate last night.” 

 

She had spent most of the feast in Alistair’s arms, ignoring everyone else. Everyone had survived and no one was seriously injured, either. It was a miracle. 

 

“You told me from the beginning that you would never love me,” he replied harshly. “I was a fool to hope differently.” He dragged a hand through his hair and huffed in frustration. “I’m happy for you,” he continued in a softer tone. “I truly am. I want you to be happy. That it’s not me who can make you so hurts, yes, but I accept it.”

 

She swallowed and stepped a bit closer. “You have a place in my heart, Anders,” she promised. “It’s just… different.”

 

“And not enough,” he nodded. “It’s alright, as I said.” He looked up at her and smiled. “You’re my Commander. My companion. My friend. That is enough.”

 

Lyna knew he was lying, but didn’t call him on it. Instead she moved closer and kissed him on the forehead. “Thank you for your loyalty,” she said. “And your friendship.”

 

She moved to the door and left him, walking back to her room. She wondered how long he would stay at the Keep, now that Alistair was here. 

  
  


It turned out not long at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Anders. I plan to write his story with my Hawke at a later date, too, and there he will be happier.
> 
> Comments are love <3


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